Leaning Into a New Start- Part 4 (NSFW!) & Leaning Into Always Out on Audio Now!

First of all, I want to thank everyone who insisted Jeff’s story deserved to be told. My tiny short story has grown to almost 12K words. Much longer than intended. LOL And yet, I’m fairly certain it’s not enough. I may come back to give Jeff the layers and nuances his journey requires. But for now, these four chapters provide a decent background into Josh’s dad’s revelation in Leaning Into Touch.Before I leave you with the final chapter, I wanted to let you all know that Leaning Into Always is now available on audio!! Seth Clayton is back narrating Eric and Zane’s story. Take a listen to the sample here. He’s done it again! I’m so thrilled!

Also… my first ever holiday novella, Leaning Into a Wish, will be released November 22! Stay tuned for the cover reveal on Wednesday, November 15!! It’s so pretty! I can’t wait to share more about Ryan and Danny!

In the meantime, enjoy Part 4 of Jeff and Lars’ story. *AND yes, this chapter is NSFW!! Here are links to Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. Enjoy!

Happy Reading and Listening! Lane xo

Leaning Into a New Start- Part 4 (NSFW)

We let the conversation drift to neutral topics during dinner. We discussed music, movies and television shows we loved. I laughed when he admitted he’d watched every Diehard movie because he harbored a secret crush on Bruce Willis. However, when he claimed to be a serious Trekkie, I knew I might be in big trouble. I loved the way his eyes lit up as he launched into a story about how he and his neighbors reenacted scenes from Star Trek when they were kids.

“I always insisted on being Captain Kirk. At first, my friends argued with me and said it was only fair to take turns but I held my ground. I couldn’t tell them I had the hots for the captain so I found myself giving oddball compliments like “You’re very perceptive, like Spock” or “You’re good at knowing what’s wrong with someone when they’re sick. You should be McCoy.” My mother overheard me one day and told me I was a natural leader. A perfect captain.” Lars’ smile dimmed slightly. “She never knew the truth either.”

“She didn’t know you’re gay?”

He shook his head solemnly then took a sip of water. “No. She may have suspected but I never told her. She died in a car accident when I was twenty-four. I was devastated. She was a joyful, magnetic woman with a big laugh and an even bigger personality. I went through a dark phase marked by a string of bad choices…drugs, alcohol, loose women and—”

“Women?”

Lars nodded slowly. “Yeah. I was in the closet too. I had a cathartic awakening of sorts when I had my own near death experience.”

My heart hammered in my chest. I pushed my plate aside and leaned across the table. “What happened?”

“Honestly, I don’t know. I woke up naked and alone in a seedy motel room with a dozen empty bottles of booze, a bunch of used condoms and zero memory. It was my rock bottom. I realized the source of my problems wasn’t just a deep depression over my loss. Sure, that was part of it. But the other part was fear. When you’re staring at your naked ugly self in the mirror and you’ve got nowhere to go and no one who gives a shit if you live or die, it gives you perspective. All I could think was “Mom would be pissed as hell if I died like this”. I had to turn my life around. Step number one… it was time to tell the truth.

“I came out to my brother who hasn’t spoken to me since and my sister who I see once a month for dinner. I lost friends and family but I gained so much more by living my truth. I started thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up and my mother’s words about me always wanting to be in charge popped in my head and I knew I had to be my own boss. GDC wasn’t built overnight by any means. But you’ve seen our books and—”

“They’re impressive,” I admitted, sounding like the geeky accountant I was. “Your firm is doing very well.”

“I’ve worked my ass off to make my dream a reality. But it never would have happened if I hadn’t gone through a hell and back. In fact, I might not be sitting here with you now.”
“That would be terrible.”

“Well, I’m here. I survived and so did you,” he said in a deep timbre that reverberated through my chest.

I squeezed his hand, hoping to convey my distress at the idea. Perhaps my reaction was over-the-top, but the thought of not knowing Lars crushed me. We’d already lived decades never knowing the other existed. So many years just… gone. I didn’t regret my years with Kate and I was immeasurably grateful for my children. But no one lived forever and I had a niggling feeling it was very important that I know this man. Every part of him.

“We can do better than that.”

Lars cocked his head. “What do you suggest?”

I licked my dry lips and shot a cursory glance at the table closest to ours to be sure my clumsy speech wasn’t overheard. “This is extremely unusual of me. I’m an accountant for a reason. I’m a slow moving, methodical planner. I look before I leap and I weigh every possible outcome before I proceed. But I’ve never felt this way about anyone before and I can’t let this moment pass without telling you how I feel.”

“How do you feel?”

“Horny,” I blurted. I waited for his laughter to subside before I continued. “But I feel a lot of other things too. Butterflies, nausea and a little indigestion.”

“So I make you sick?” His eyes sparked with humor.

“No.” I chuckled. “You make me feel alive. Scared and unsure, yes… but hopeful too. I’ve lost so much time and I’m leery of letting any more slip away without taking a chance or two. We haven’t even kissed and for all I know, we might be terrible at it but, Jesus Lars, I really want to try.”

He held my gaze then stood and moved to my side of the table with his hand outstretched. “Stand up.”

I hesitated for a second before obeying. We were in a crowded restaurant on a Saturday night. Our table was tucked against a wall on one side but we were in close proximity to our neighbors. So close I could see the lipstick stain on the rim of a wineglass and smell the seafood they’d ordered. I cleared my throat and tried to think of a joke to relieve the growing tension. But I couldn’t think of anything to rhyme with shrimp besides pimp and somehow that didn’t work. I focused on Lars instead.

“What are we doing?” I whispered nervously.

He didn’t answer. He just smiled then stroked my cheek sweetly, cupped the back of my neck and sealed his mouth over mine.

If I lived to be a hundred, I’d never forget that moment. Frank Sinatra singing “The Way You Look Tonight”, the sigh of approval from the women seated next to us, and the hum of conversation intermixed with the clatter of silverware nearby. But more importantly, I knew I’d always remember that kiss. His soft lips, the scratch of his beard and the way he cradled my head as he deepened the kiss in a gentle but insistent connection that hinted at a promise of so much more.

I swayed drunkenly when he pulled back to gage my reaction. Maybe I was drunk. Intoxicated with lust, need and the notion I was free to act on my desire. To be my true self with someone who wanted me as much as I wanted him.

“Come home with me, Jeff.”

I nodded profusely then leaned in to press another kiss on his lips. “Yes.”

Twenty minutes later, our driver pulled up in front of a well-kept home on a quiet street in the Castro. I noted the wide bay window above the single car garage and the spherical topiaries flanking the front door. The exterior was charming but unassuming. In other words, the opposite of the cutting-edge modern homes and businesses his company constructed. The interior was the same. Lovely albeit very traditional. There were high ceilings, sleek hardwood flooring and the walls were predominately white or in subtle jewel tones. Striped pillows were strewn across the light colored sofa and the chairs in front of the fireplace in the living area. It was a homey, inviting space, but definitely not what I expected.

I gave him a wobbly smile as I held my arms open. “Your home is nice but I pictured you living in a space ship for some reason. Like Captain Kirk.”

Lars chuckled at my lame attempt at humor. “I love creating contemporary homes for other people but I never really wanted to live in the Starship Enterprise. That was just pretend. The truth is, I’m a bit of a traditionalist in my private life. Don’t tell on me.”

“Your secret is safe with me.” My voice had a raspy quality I didn’t recognize. I cleared my throat to add something light but the words wouldn’t come. I was overwhelmed again.

“Would you care for something to drink?” he asked politely.

“No, thanks,” I replied as I reached for his hand.

Lars stared at our joined hands then at me with a heated look that went straight to my dick. “What do you want, Jeff?”

“You. Does that sound bad? Am I going too fast? This isn’t like me but—”

“Shh. Come this way.”

He led the way down a narrow hallway to a staircase. Moonlight flooded the space from the skylights above, casting a romantic glow over the space. I followed him wordlessly through the first doorway off the landing into the master suite. He let go of my hand then flipped a switch, illuminating the room in a soft light. I gave the room a cursory once-over.

His bedroom had the same traditional feel as the rest of the house. The dark wood headboard and side tables offset the white wainscoting and the pale blue linen duvet neatly folded at the end of the bed. Two comfy looking chairs faced a built-in bookshelf with a flat screen television above the fireplace. And another bay window covered with striped roman blinds anchored the far wall. Photographs of the city hung on either side. I crossed the room to examine the one of the Golden Gate Bridge before turning to Lars with a smile.

“This is nice. If I lived here, I’d put a coffee maker on the bookshelf and pop a mini fridge in one of the cabinets so I’d never have to leave.”

“Until it was time to get more coffee,” he said.

“Nah. That’s what delivery service is for.”

“True.” Lars snickered, moving to my side. “Do you like photography?”

“Yes. I hope you don’t mind but… I imagined you living in a steel and glass monstrosity with museum quality art in the living room and nasty photography in your private suite.”

“Nasty, eh?”

“Well. Not the Golden Gate Bridge anyway. I thought you might have something a little less…tame.”

“Mmm. Like what?” he asked, setting his hand on my hip.

I shrugged with faux nonchalance, aware that every nerve in my body buzzing like mad. My mouth was dry but my palms felt clammy. I was unraveling at a rapid clip. I had to get myself under control quickly or risk coming in my khakis like a teenager. Unfortunately, I was a live wire, liable to say something stupid at any given moment. Like…

“I don’t know. Bare-chested leather daddies carrying whips and smoking cigars. Something like that.”

This time, Lars threw his head back and guffawed. It was such a joyful sound, I couldn’t help joining in, even if the laugh was on me.

“I can’t decide if you have an active imagination or a dirty mind,” he said, raising his brow.

“Both.”

“So you’re into leather, eh?” The look in his eye turned somewhat lecherous when he hooked his fingers in my belt loop and tugged me closer.

“No. Not really. The idea of it is sexy. But honestly, I like this better. I’ve never been more turned on in my life than I am right this second. If you put on those chaps you were telling me about, I think I’d pass out for sure.”

“Then we’ll try that another time,” Lars said in a husky tone as he ran his fingers through my hair.

I snaked my arms around his thick waist and molded myself against him, grinding my pelvis against his suggestively. He growled then covered my mouth in a fierce kiss as he pushed my sport coat off my shoulders. Then he licked the seam of my lips and slid his tongue inside.

He tasted like wine. Decadent and intoxicating. And fuck, he knew how to kiss. He glided his tongue alongside mine, twisting, and then sucking with a fervor that had me gasping for air. The feel of his beard against my smooth-shaven face drove me wild. I made quick work of the first few buttons of his oxford shirt, desperate for skin. He did the same for me, yanking the fabric from my pants then pausing with his fingers resting on my belt buckle.

“What are you waiting for?” I asked breathlessly.

“You. Are you sure you want this?”

“Hell yes.” I rubbed my palm over his hard-on then reached for his hand and brought it to my crotch. “I want everything.”

“Whips and boots and—”

“No. Just you. I want you to fuck me.”

His nostrils flared in appreciation. He kissed me once more then smacked my ass and stepped toward the bed. “Take your clothes off and lie down. I want to look at you.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll be right here. Go on.”

I kept my eyes locked on his as I hurried to obey. I should have felt a smidge awkward considering I’d been his accountant until yesterday. The second that thought materialized my brain conjured an office sex scene with me bent over the conference table while Lars drove into me from behind. I kicked off my shoes then shed my shirt, khakis and then finally slipped my thumbs under the elastic of my briefs and freed my rigid cock. I grabbed myself at the base and gave him a searching look.

“I need to see you too. Please.”

“You will. Lie down.”

I pulled back the sheets and laid flat on my back, propping my arms under my head. Lars crooked his lips in a devilish grin as he threaded his belt from the buckle and slowly unzipped his trousers. I wasn’t sure if he was purposely staging a striptease but every bit of skin he revealed made me tremble with need. I loved his body. I loved the thatch of gray hair covering his barrel chest, the curve of his belly and his muscular thighs. And my God, that cock was a thing of beauty. He was thick and long and very fucking sexy.

“You’re so beautiful,” I whispered reverently.

Lars widened his eyes comically. “Me? I don’t think so. You’re the pretty one.”

I huffed at the idea. “I’m old and I’m too skinny and you’re—”

“You’re perfect. Now hush and let me look at you.”

He crawled over me, smoothing his palms over my stomach before tweaking my tits. I writhed under his touch and lifted my hips, hoping he’d get the hint without making me beg. He pushed my knees to my chest and caressed the sensitive skin of my upper thigh. Then he finally reached for my cock and gripped me in a tight fist.

“Oh fuck. That feels good,” I said in a strangled-sounding voice.

“I can do better than that.”

He stroked me from base to tip a couple of times then bent to lick my balls. He sucked one into his mouth then the other. I arched my back and swayed my hips, wordlessly requesting more. His beard brushed against the sensitive area under my balls in the best possible way. And when he flattened his tongue and flicked it over my hole, I went a little crazy. I tugged his hair and rolled my hips to give him better access, chanting a litany of “don’t stop” until the pleasure threatened to push me over the edge too soon.

“No. No more. I don’t want to come yet,” I gasped, pushing at his forehead.

Lars licked a path along my dick, stopping to suck the head for a moment. He released me with a pop then bent over my torso to retrieve a bottle of lube and a condom from the nightstand drawer. I hooked my legs around his waist and sucked his left nipple, loving his low groan of approval. I did the same to the other then pushed at his chest until he got the hint and rolled onto his back.

I didn’t waste any time. I crouched between his thighs, gripped his thick cock and swallowed him whole. Lars roared somewhere above me. The raw carnal noise did something to me. I was so fucking needy. I bobbed my head wantonly, sucking and licking my lover in a frenzy. I wanted everything at once. I reached for my throbbing member and jacked myself as I worked him over. I backed off when I felt a telltale tingle trip along my spine.

“You have to fuck me now. I’m not gonna last and I just—I need you.”

Lars nodded then captured my face between his hands and kissed me hard. I shifted off of him and stared at the ceiling while he rolled a condom on and lubed up. He massaged my entrance gently before slipping a single digit inside. I squeezed my eyes close, willing myself to relax as he slowly slid it in and out. He added a second finger then the tip of a third. And then he pulled away and replaced his fingers with his sheathed cock. I bit my lip and inclined my head.

“I’m ready. Please,” I said.

Lars lowered his forehead to mine and pushed. Inch by inch, he made his way inside me until he was balls deep. He stopped to kiss me or brush the hair from my eyes. The sweetness of the tender touches juxtaposed with the steady rocking of hips was sublime. The momentum built slowly in a subtle give and take. I’d never felt quite so in synch with a lover. We moved as one until he rose above me, gripping the edge of the headboard for purchase then upped the tempo, thrusting into me over and over until I had no choice but to fall apart. I clutched his ass and held him against me. “I’m gonna—”

“That’s it. Come for me, baby,” he commanded.

I did. And he was right there with me.

The silence in the aftermath intimidated me. I never knew the right things to say or who was supposed to be the one holding whom. Even thought the sex wasn’t great, it had been easy with Kate. With men, I was lost. But not tonight. Lars gathered me to his side and held me against his chest. It felt perfectly natural. Like coming home. I shifted my weight to look at him, mortified when tears welled in my eyes.

“Are you all right?” he asked, brushing his thumb over my cheek.

“Yes, I’m—I know this is going to sound crazy but… I think this is a good place to start again. Here. With you.”

Lars laced his fingers through mine and kissed our joined hands. “Yes. It’s never too late, Jeff. Never.”

I closed my eyes as he lifted the duvet to cover us and let myself drift in a funny state of mind where pieces of my past collided with my present. So many years of pent up desires, wants and needs. So much time spent denying who I was and what I needed. I’d had my share of feeling hollow and separate from the people I loved the most. I’d felt shame, sorrow and helplessness. I’d put on a brave face for years. Acted in a play of my own making, powerless to change and unwilling to take the risk either way. But now, I was free. And I was more than ready to lean into a new start with this man by my side.